Maybe it's not too late
by littlenightbirdy
Summary: Dean is sad, tired and feeling down, when Sam comes with a new hunt; vengeful spirit, who drives victims to commit suicide. Of course, the hunt goes wrong and Dean becomes depressed and suicidal. But is it only a spirit who's doing this? Maybe it's Dean? Hurt!suicidal!depressed!self harm Dean, asshole!caring!worried!Sam . Set somewhere in S9 may be triggering
1. Why you don't love me

**I'm sorry, I suck at writing first chapter. Well, i can spoiler you that there's gonna be a freking drama up here! i'll upload it tomorrow, you'll see :}**

 **.**

 _"You can't stand the thought of being alone"_

Well, Dean was alone, and no one was there for him. Not anymore, at least.

Sam told him very clear, that he's done with Dean's bullshit. He's done, which means, Dean can stop bothering to get Sam even to think about him.

Sam doesn't want or need to know how he's holding on, how things are to him, how his health is. No, Sam doesn't need to know.

Dean even wondered, what would happen and what Sam would do if he would be wounded. Would he even care? Would he try to help him? Nah, probably not.

Oh, and he felt so tired all the time, just sucked out. He didn't want to get up from the bed, but he couldn't sleep either. What a torture.

Even his own mind hadn't left him alone; it kept attacking him in the most painful ways as possible. His mind told him what he already knew: that he's a worthless, pathetic piece of shit, and there's no use of keeping him alive. None. So what the hell he's doing here, huh? Question worth a million.

And then, Sam found a case. He, of course, had had to go with him.

Tired, irritated, full of self loathing and self hatred Dean was a really reckless, suicidal and dangerous Dean. And even if Sam knew it, he didn't show it.

"What's the hunt about?" Dean asked, his voice sounding weird.

"Uhm... ghost, i think. The place is being hunted for a few years, i think and it's not some kind of abandoned building, but a small motel. All victims where spending few night in that motel, and all of them killed themselves in one way or gotta talk to theirs relatives and figure out more details, there's nothing on internet. So, you're going?" Sam asked.

Dean just nodded, feeling very sleepy.

"Okay then, let's go."

When Dean got to the Impala Sam was already sitting in the passenger's seat, which meant, that Dean has to drive.

What a prize for sleepless nights.

.

Dean was driving for nearly 4 hours now, in a complete silence, and he was bone tired, he could barely keep his eyes open. And on the top of it, headache appeared, and not the gentle kind. It felt like his head being split in two, and the more he drove, the more intense headache appeared to be. He even felt these little needles of pain shooting somewhere in his neck. It drove him crazy.

And finally, they were at the motel. Dean could have danced from happiness, but he was too tired for it and his hurting head wouldn't let him do it, so he'll just wait until Sam registres them and then he will go to sleep.

Dean was so deep in his thoughts that he hadn't even heard Sam calling him by his name. And only when he shook him by the shoulder, Dean woke up from his trance and saw a little worried Sam's face in front of his.

"You're coming?" Sam asked, looking at him weirdly.

Dean nodded again and followed.

Strange feeling never left him alone.

.

.

Sam stared at Dean from the middle of the room.

The second they came here Dean fell on the bed farther from the light, and never moved again.

Sam couldn't believe his eyes, it was just 6pm. But Dean was acting kind of weird all day, all these frowns while driving, clenched fists, his weird acting, and he was freaking pale. That was kind of strange, out of order, but Sam had chosen not to see. The best way to make Dean suffer was to make him think Sam doesn't care. And it was enough of a punishment. It wasn't fun, but it was a very much needed thing.

And since Dean's asleep, he can go and figure out more about this weird case.

So let it be.

…

Okay...

They never had a case like this before.

From what Sam get to know today,that ghost, which is hunting the motel, or is suppose to be hunting the motel, is all kind of new. He doesn't kill everyone, only the ones, he chooses, or that's what it looks like. From what he figured, it chooses the ones, who feels down; sad, depressed or feeling alike. And then makes them suffer unimaginably and finally, makes them kill themselves. That was it he managed to know today.

When he came back to the motel he found Dean still asleep in the bed. He looked cold and somehow skinner... awh, hell, that's not Sam's need to go to sleep too.


	2. Forever

**Another chapter, hope you like it :) please, review :**

...

Sam woke up at 9am. He was surprised to find Dean still asleep and freakishly pale.

"Hey, wake up, we have job to do!" Sam tried to shake Dean up, but he didn't even stir.

What the hell.

"Wake up, i said!" he screamed. Dean opened his eyes.

They were bloodshot and he had dark, visible bags under his eyes.

"What?" he asked.

"We've got work to do. So get up and get ready. And after you're ready we can go and have a breakfast."

"You can go, I'm not hungry" Dean said and slowly get up from the bed and slowly went to the bathroom.

Sam just stared at him.

Something with Dean was off.

But it wasn't his place to care.

...

"So, what was your boyfriend like? I mean, were there any signs about his intentions?" Sam asked a victim's girlfriend, Emily. They went to another city, close by, to talk to her. She was living nearest the town.

"Well," said Emily, " when we were at that motel, he started to act strange. I mean, he was sleeping for like 12 hours a day, wasn't eating, always was staring at something, far away in his thoughts, and it looked, like he wasn't even listening to what i was saying at the moment. He was weird, didn't want to go out or anything. But he never was like this, it only started when we were staying a couple of night at that damned motel, because our car has broken down and we had to wait until it's fixed. And then he... he killed himself. I don't even know why."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Sam said. "Did he had ever had any feeling like that? Was he depressed, anxious, worried? Anything?

Emily frowned.

"Well, yeah. He had a car accident like one and a half years ago. He survived, but his best friend died. He had PTSD after that, but he got better. Well, he tried to hide it, but i knew that he still feels guilty about it. He felt, i mean." she added, her eyes getting watery.

Sam nodded and looked at Dean. Dean wasn't even listening to that woman, he was staring at one point, somewhere behind Emily, far away in his thoughts.

Sam frowned.

"Okay, thank you for information, Emily. That was really helpful." the younger Winchester said and punched his brother in the ribs. "Let's go" he said quietly.

"Goodbye" Sam said and smiled at her.

Poor lady.

.

Dean stared at the wall.

He knew something was not right. Since the night at the motel, he felt weird. He felt tired, he felt depressed, he even felt more guilty than usual, and he didn't know why. Eventually, he started to hear someones voice inside of his head, or somewhere near him, maybe his own voice, he wasn't even sure. But that voice was whispering things to him. Things he already knew deep in his heart.

"You're worthless." the voice said. "Sam doesn't need you. Look how he stares at you, freak you are. Wouldn't it be better if you just leave him? Leave him forever? This is exactly what he wants, he would be happy and you wouldn't be a burden to him. What do you think, Dean?"

"Dean?"

Dean blinked few times and saw Sam staring at him.

"What?" he asked confused. What just happened.

"Are you even listening what i am saying? Because to me it doesn't look like you do." he pointed out.

Dean just shook his head. He didn't want to argue with Sam anymore. He was just so damn tired of it. Of everything being his fault.

"Whatever, dude. Ok, it's like 1pm already, wanna go to the dinner and have a lunch?" Sam asked.

Dean just stared away.

"Nah, not hungry" he said, but when Sam looked at him weirdly, he added: "Maybe I'll grab something later, when we're back at the town." he said and went away from Sam, leaving him confused.

He heard the voice again.

"Just leave him, Dean, and you will be free, forever"

Dean smiled and whispered:

 _"Forever"_


	3. I'm just trying to help you

.

When they were back at the motel, the very moment Dean was completely alone he heard that voice again.

"Can't you see, Dean? Your lil bro doesn't care about you. He didn't even asked you why you're not hungry. Anything. He doesn't care anymore." the voice whispered. "Aren't you tired? Of all of this? Of fighting? Of Sam always being angry at you? I bet you are. How many times you were wondering about ending it all, huh? Being at peace? A lot, Dean, a lot. There's no use of you being alive, and you know that. You're just wasting oxygen, aren't you? Useless, and Sam can see this. It would be better for everyone if you just die."

Dean listened to that voice and nodded.

"Yeah, you're right. No use of being alive. Nobody needs me, and Sam hates me. What's the point?"

"Exactly. What's the point? There is no point. Go to the bathroom, Dean."

Dean stood up and went to the bathroom. He didn't know why he listened to that voice, but somehow he felt close to it, because the voice owner understood him. He just felt an urge to do as the voice says, it felt right. So he stood in front of the mirror and saw a women for the first time, standing behind him. But he wasn't scared. Dean knew it was she, who was talking to him.

"C'mon, Dean, I know how tired you are. Let me help you. Just let me help you to ease your pain." she asked in a charming, low voice.

Dean nodded, looking her in the eye.

She took him by the hand and gave him a razor. Dean felt chills going up his spine when she touched him. Then the women held the razor by his inner arm and said:

"C'mon, Dean, push it, feel it. It will be a relief. It's just for starters. C'mon."

Dean did as he was told; he cut his arm and, as surprised as he was, he really felt relief when blood poured out of his arm. He smiled. So did she..

"Who are you?" Dean asked.

"I'm Elizabeth." women smiled. " And I'm here to help you, Dean. i don't want you to suffer like i did. I will help you." she smiled at him with knowing eyes again..

Dean heard the door opening.

"Don't tell him about me. He won't understand this." Elizabeth said hurriedly when she looked at the door.

"When will I see you again?" Dean asked.

"Sooner than you think. I'm always with you, even if you can't see me. Just remember, it will be all over soon, don't forget it." she said and disappeared.

Dean looked at his arm. It was still bleeding, so he wrapped it with a band he found under the sink in the aid kit, still feeling that little joy this cut gave him. Then he hid everything which showed what he was doing here and went out.

Sam's eyes met his.

They didn't say a word to each other, but Sam saw something off about Dean again. Something wasn't right. He could sense it from miles and still, he did nothing.

Again.

.

Sam tried to concentrate on the case. He just wanted to get the hell outta this town, this motel, this place gave him creeps.

Dean wasn't much of a help either. Most of the time he was just staring in one place, doing nothing. Sometimes nodding. Awh, to hell with this.

"Dean, would you please do your fucking research? You're not doing anything, which is useless to me. Do something, that's why you're here for in the first place!" Sam shouted at Dean, losing his temper. The tension between them was getting worse. Sam felt an urge to shout at Dean for everything, because no matter what he was doing, that was getting on Sam's nerves, he didn't know why. He just tried to control himself before he punch Dean in the face.

Dean looked at him confused and with a glint of something else in his eyes, Sam didn't know what it was, but it looked odd.

"Okay" Dean said with a dull voice.

Sam shook his head and went back to research.

Everything was driving him crazy.

.

"See, Dean, that's exactly what I've been telling you. Sam doesn't need you here. He just doesn't. You're useless. He never actually needed you anyway. He can live in his own and be happy, without you in his life. That's just the way it is, Dean. You can't change it."

Dean nodded, swallowing upcoming tears.

"Can you see yourself, how weak you are, pathetic. You think Sam needs a brother like you? Who you are trying to fool! He doesn't even want to talk to you anymore, you're just a burden. And you know that."

Dean's hands began to tremble, so he put the paper he was holding away.

"Awh, gosh, look at you. Trying to hold back tears, like a baby."

Dean shook his head. Why wouldn't that voice go away? He didn't see Elizabeth anywhere, maybe it wasn't her?

He was tired of hearing it, even in his sleep it whispered him. Never left him alone.

Sam must have sensed his distress, because was looking toward him with a curious look.

"You found something?" he asked.

Dean just shook his head and lowered it down. He didn't trust his voice at the moment.

He felt Sam's stare for a moment, but Sam didn't say a word. Nothing.

Dean felt even worse after that.

'Maybe he really hates me." he wondered.

.

Dean went to sleep at 1am.

He was bone tired, but the problem was, he couldn't sleep, not now at least. She was whispering to him again.

Sam was asleep already, but Dean couldn't. Why him?

"Because you deserve to suffer, Dean. Because nobody loves you. Because no one is here for you. Because you are worthless and useless to everyone. Just wasting the oxygen."

"I know" Dean whispered to the dark room.

"You knew this all along, you just needed a prove. Look, you saved his life and how did he re-payed you, huh? He said he hates you for this. You ruin everything, Dean. Such a burden."

"No use of being alive" Dean repeated her words.

"Exactly. No use." she whispered.

Dean took a shaking breath in and sat up in the bed. Then stood up and went to the bathroom. Locked the door.

"What a tragedy, Dean. He sleeps just five feet away from you, happy, while you suffer. You feel that pain, don't you?"

Dean stared at the mirror and nodded, feeling tears welling up his eyes once again. Elizabeth was standing behind him.

"Well, you know what can take your pain away for a while, don't you?" she asked him.

"Yeah, i know." he said and took a razor in his arm and drew it all across his wrist. Blood showed up.

"That's it, Dean, carve the pain out of you, it's the only way to see, if you're alive - to bleed. And it's not like anyone would notice it. He doesn't care, does he?"

"No, he doesn't care. Neither do i." Dean repeated her words and cut his arm again and again and again, until it was bleeding heavily.

"See, Dean, i'm just trying to help you."

"I know"

Dean stared at his arm suspiciously. What a relief. Only if he'd done this sooner.

He blinked few times, feeling lightheaded.

Oh gosh, probably lost too much blood.

Dean quickly pull the band aid and wrapped his arm quickly. Then slowly started to go to the bedroom again, wavering a little.

Then he heard a creepy, silent sinister laugh.

"What a pathetic, brainless soldier you are. Nothing, but a piece of shit. You should die, so nobody would have to deal with your anymore, burden."

Dean quickly turned around, confused. It was hard to breathe somehow.

"Just go away" he murmured and fell on his bed, feeling his body getting numb.

He fell asleep into a dreamless sleep soon after, and he didn't see Sam's concerned stare from the other bed, watching him closely.


	4. I'm sorry

.

Sam woke up at 8am.

He remembered last night bright and clear, and it get him worried a bit. Dean was doing god knows what and he was talking to someone. What the hell?

He took a look at the other bed.

Dean was sleeping on his back, one arm on his chest, his face turned away from him and pale. Too pale.

Sam decided to not to wake him up and went out to buy some breakfast.

When he came back an hour later and he found Dean laying in the same position as before, still asleep.

"Hey, wake up, buddy. Time for a breakfast." Sam patted Dean on the shoulder.

Dean stirred a bit, but didn't open his eyes.

Sam shook his shoulder once again, harder.

"Hey! Wake up!"

Dean sluggishly opened his eyes and looked around, confused.

Sam frowned. He didn't like it. Dean was never like that, only if something wasn't right, which, probably, wasn't.

"Hey, awake? Eat your breakfast and let's get goin, okay?"

Dean just looked at him suspiciously.

"What? Go where?" he asked with a barely audible voice.

Sam frowned once again.

"uhm... the case? We should do more research? Call another two victims relatives? Find who exactly is doing this?" Sam said. "Get up, i got you a coffee"

Dean just looked around once again, dazed. Then the memories came back to him. That explained why his body felt so numb and heavy. But didn't explain why Sam was looking at him weirdly. Where did all the "keep everything strictly business' mantra went?

He got up from the bed, but wavered heavily, his vision spinning out of focus, so he sat back on the bed again. His legs were like jelly, not holding his weight at all.

He blinked rapidly, shook his head, gathered his strength and stand up with, actually, a lot effort.

Today was gonna suck.

.

Sam watched Dean from the other side of the room suspiciously while pretended to be drinking a coffee.

Something with Dean was off.

He saw how he tried to get up from the bed, but practically fell on the bed once he tried, holding his head in his arm.

 _The hell._

Well, Dean was pale, had dark bags under his eyes, probably wasn't sleeping well, but that doesn't explain why he almost fainted when he tried to get up.

Just… what.

.

Dean tried to do his best and to cover his emptiness and heaviness from Sam.

Apparently, it worked.

Sam stopped staring at him from time to time after an hour or so, he just pretty much ignored him once again. But what did he expected in the first place? That Sam will care? He doesn't. And he's not going to, no matter what. He already said that, not only in a words, but also in actions.

"Sir, are you feeling alright?" a waiter asked Dean.

Dean just blinked and gave his best smile to her.

"I'm fine sweetheart, no need to worry." he said.

"Okay" she said went away.

Once she was gone that little fake sparkle from Dean's eyes was out like a light. Nothing. Just an empty, lifeless eyes. Nothing more.

"Yeah, you're fine, sure, Dean. You can lie to everyone except me. I can see right through you, through your self defensive mask, and it's not that great that you think it is. You can't hide forever"

Dean looked around, searching for the voice owner.

And this time, this time he saw her.

She was standing next to him, but when Dean saw her she went to sit right in front of him, beside Sam, who didn't sense anything strange. She had huge, blue charming eyes, black curly hair, pale faced and she was wearing a white cute dress. She was looking directly at him, smiling.

Dean must have gone paler, because Sam threw a suspicious look at him, but just for a second.

"Hello, Dean. Remember me?" she asked. _"Elizabeth."_

Dean slowly nodded.

So she was that voice he was hearing owner.

"Don't worry, they can't see me. Only you." she smiled.

Dean still stared at her, speechless.

"i know you've been wondering and thinking about a lot of things lately, but your thoughts, mostly, have been dark. And i can tell you one thing, Dean, i fully understand what you're feeling. I know how it feels when nobody truly needs you, loves you and even hates you. I know how it feels to be unneeded, unwanted, just a burden. When you are all alone and feel more dead than alive. When you want to end it all."

Dean stared at her, hypnotized. Hi eyes were glued to hers.

"Im not here to harm you. Im here, because we're both the same. I'm here to help you out. To stop your pain. But don't be fooled by others; you saw it yourself crystal clear; he doesn't need you around, he doesn't care. When you woke up this morning and could barely stand up, he didn't say a word. He thinks you're just a weak, pathetic excuse for a brother, just waste of time."

Dean nodded to her, his lips whispering words "i know"

"I think he wants you to suffer, Dean. He ignores your pain, your love, your life sacrificed for him. He doesn't appreciate it, he wants you gone, just like..."

"Dean, are you listening to me?!" Sam snapped his fingers before Dean's face.

Dean blinked rapidly and questioningly looked at Sam. He felt his eyes watering once again, when he saw Sam's angry look. He really did hate him.

"Will you for once, can focus on something important? For once?" he spited out.

Dean lowered his head and whispered "okay" to his still full plate. He wasn't hungry, he was fed up with everything.

"See? He hates you. You're not important to him. He's angry at you, and he's blaming you. He already practically said that you're useless. What other proof do you need, Dean?"

"Eat, Dean, we have to go" Sam reminded.

Dean looked at his plate, then at Elizabeth.

"Not hungry. Let's go if you want it so bad." Dean said in a low voice, stood up and went out, while Sam stared at him.

"It's not like you need or care about me, Sammy." he thought.

.

Dean didn't need to be told, how useless he was, he knew that already, but a voice inside of his head thought differently. It reminded him about his every failure, about his every mistake, about every bad thing he has done. And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shut that voice down.

"You think someone needs you, appreciates you being here, but they don't. Nobody needs you. Nobody."

Dean bite his lips as the words rang in his head. He tried to focus on the road, while driving the Impala back to the motel.

Suddenly, he saw Elizabeth's face in the rear view mirror. He jumped up and the car swinged on the road dangerously.

"Whoa, Dean, what the hell?!" Sam shouted at him, eyes wide.

Dean blinked rapidly, his heart beating fastly in his chest.

"Dean!"

Dean looked at Sam.

"Sorry" he said quietly.

Sam just stared angry at him. "Pull over. You're not driving anymore."

Dean, didn't want to argue, so he pulled over and sat in the passenger's seat. He felt completely worn out. His head was pounding, his vision was swaying a little, but that was just because he wasn't sleeping well,and haven't eaten for a while and lost some blood. Nothing too dangerous.

"See, you are the problem, Dean. Could have gotten him killed."

Dean closed his eyes begging it for shut up, then he felt that he was drifting up, but he couldn't help himself - he was drowning under.

The last thing he remembered was a touch on his forehead.

.

"Hey, Dean, wake up." Sam nagged his brother's side. When there was no reaction he did it again. "Deeeean, wake up!"

Dean stirred and open his eyes, more darker bags under his eyes than before. A tired, painted look.

"Hey, we're back at the motel." Sam said.

Dean just looked around, confused. Then nodded.

He was still feeling like shit, that voice, that fucking voice was whispering to him non-stop!

"Oh don't be such a baby, Dean! You know damn well why am I doing this. I'm showing you how everything is! Showing you the truth! And if it so annoying for you, how annoying it had been for others, huh? All you do is just think about yourself, you selfish bastard! Why can't you see, how truly pathetic you are? Always whining, always not good enough, always letting everyone down.. and this list could go on, forever. Why don't you just end it, Dean? it'd be better for all of us. You just waste our oxygen."

Dean felt tears gathering inside of his eyes. He understood, that it was true. he was just a burden. He should just go away. It's not like anyone needed him anyway.

He climbed out of his car and went to the motel room.

"Hey, we need to talk about case" Sam said.

Dean stopped dead in his tracks.

"What about?"

Sam face turned angry.

"Dean, can you fucking focus for once? It's a case we're talking about, people LIVES! There's no time for you wondering around, sleeping and doing whatever you're doing! It's USELESS! We have a job to do, lives to save! Focus, damn it! I can't even trust you to drive the impala without getting her crashed!"

Dean just stared at him, don't believing his own ears.

Sam just told him, that he's useless. That he doesn't mean anything to Sam. Nothing.

Tears were back once again.

Then he saw Elizabeth standing right before his eyes. She looked sad.

"See? That was exactly what I was saying. Lizzie was right. He doesn't need you. You're just standing in his way. Move out, Dean. Move."

"Dean, are you not hearing what I just said?" sam shouted at Dean, who was staring in one place for quite some time now, at something, who wasn't there. "HEY!" he slapped his hands before him, and just then Dean looked at him.

"What?" he said with tearful voice.

"The case. Rings a bell? Yeah? Good. So, all we know, that something is kind of injecting people with something, making them depressed, suicidal even, and then, the victim commits suicide. It's happening in this motel for quite some time now. Well, three weeks and nine suicides are crazy enough thing to happen in one motel. But only this motel. " Sam walked to the table and took a picture in his arms, watching Dean's face. "This women, Elizabeth Swan, is the only one, who had committed suicide in this motel. There's no one besides here. No one. Well, except the current victims and also there was another guy, but he died on the road beside the motel, so, he doesn't really fit."

When Dean saw a picture in Sam's arms, he could have sworn he went pale. Then he looked directly at Lizzie, standing beside Sam, looking at the picture too.

"Where did she died?" Dean asked with a strange voice, looking directly at the spirit. He saw how Elizabeth walked a bit and wavered her hands near his bed.

"She died in this room, didn't she." Dean said. It wasn't question.

Sam finally looked at him, surprised. "Yeah, how do you know?"

Dean just shook his head.

"Lucky guess"

He didn't want to talk about it.

"Anyways, like I was saying. We need to know hers other target. And then find her remains and deal with them. So, have you seen anyone from this motel, who was acting somehow unusual, weird?" he asked, looking suspiciously at Dean. Sam knew something.

"no" Dean said. And he wasn't lying. he hadn't talked to anyone from this motel.

"You haven't even looked, have you?" Sam said angrily. "Gosh, Dean, this fucking case isn't going anywhere, and you're not helping me at all!"

Dean heard the word 'useless' behind Sm's word, but he didn't want to argue so he shrugged it off.

"Whatever"

Somehow that little word was the last straw for Sam.

"Do you fucking care about anything else, not yourself! You don't see anything else but yourself! Stop being so selfish! You just lay around, doing absolutely nothing, just wasting the damn oxygen! What the hell are you even doing here then? Go, drink yourself to coma, blow everything away! People are DYING here, and you're doing nothing to stop it! NOTHING! You're useless to me here, so why don't you just go and fuck yourself out of here! Do something, anything useful to everyone for once, you selfish bastard!" Sam burst out, shouting at Dean while waving with his huge arms everywhere.

Dean just stared at him, unbelievingly.

Sam just practically told him to off himself. Why not? At least this will actually be a good and useful thing to everyone.

"Fine" he said with a shaking voice and grabbed his knife from the bed. "If you hate me so much and want me gone - so let it be" and locked himself in the bathroom.

He heard the silence in the other room, and then Sam knocked in the door.

"Dean, stop it, let me in. Don't be stupid."

"Don't bother, Sam, like you said, this brainless idiot is just wasting the oxygen. Gonna fix this. Leave." he said, practically crying.

Sam started to bang harder.

"Dean, for fuck's sake, i was angry, i didn't mean that."

"Yes you did. Should have done it sooner."

"Dean, let me fucking in, or I swear to God..."

"You what Sam? You're gonna do what? Nothing. You're the one who doesn't want me here, so i won't be, you don't care anyways. She was right all the fucking time. Should have done it sooner. I'm sorry and... goodbye." he said, choking on his tears.

Dean didn't wait anything else, pulled up his sleeve and drew the blade deep into his skin.

Blood poured immediately, and fast. Dean vision was fading, life was bleeding out of him with every pump of his heart, he knew he was going to die and nobody will care. Who would want this pathetic useless thing to live? No one.

He sobbed.

"Shhh, shhh, Dean, you're going to be at peace now, you're going to be okay now..." Elizabeth whispered to him. He also heard hard banging at the door.

Dean felt like drowning, his body getting numb, going into shock. His vision almost completely black, he was barely conscious. But he still could hear a frantic voice in a distance, calling his name. He knew it was Sam, another Sam, who didn't want him alive, but he still whispered "love ya, S'mmy... S'rry..." and then darkness took him away from everything, mercilessly.

* * *

6 moths when my grandpa passed away. im so fucked up.

Please, review


	5. Leave me alone

Sam was frantically banging at the door.

He couldn't hear Dean anymore, it was obvious that he'd done something, something bad. He felt his heart beating in his chest frantically, fear settling in his bones, making him shiver more and more with every bang. Dean wasn't responding to him anymore. He felt helpless.

And when he finally kicked the door out, with a last and final thud,he froze in place, shocked from the view; Dean was laying on the floor in a half sitting position with a knife in one of his hand and bloody wrists. Eyes closed and head lowered. Face pale.

Sam kneeled next to him, searching for a pulse, for something, a sign that he's still alive, still here, hanging on. Then he heard Dean whispering "I l've you... S'mmy... S'rry..." and then he went completely limp.

Sam freaked out.

"Dean? Dean!? C'mon, man, don't do this to me, please, let this be a bad dream, wake up! Dean!" he screamed, but it had no effect on his now completely limp brother.

His pulse although was still here but weak, and getting weaker.

They needed hospital.

Now.

.

Sam was sitting in the hospital's waiting room for almost 2 hours in a row now.

There were no news about Dean since he brought him in. None.

Sam felt damn guilty about what had happened. If he would have payed more attention to Dean and wouldn't be acting like a total asshole, it wouldn't have happened. He shouldn't have said those words either. Only if he would have kept his mouth shut he wouldn't be sitting here, hoping that everything will be okay and it won't end like this.

But... but Dean mentioned that "she was right". She? Then maybe he saw the spirit, Elizabeth. Maybe it was her who was driving him to commit suicide, maybe it was neither him or Dean. Or maybe he was just searching for excuses.

But still, how he could have been so damn stupid and blind? Couldn't see all these neon signs Dean was showing all the damn time. He was already reckless, kind of suicidal, but this spirit made him to go to the very end. Or it wasn't the spirit? And if he wouldn't be here in time, Dean would be dead right now. If he isn't already.

All Sam hoped that it was the spirit, otherwise, they were so fucked up.

"Hello, are you Sam?" a voice asked.

Sam turned around and saw a doctor staring at him. He was like a whole feet smaller than him.

"Yes"

"I'm doctor Simons, I'm your brother's Dean doctor" he introduced himself.

"Yes. How is he, doc?" Sam asked, fearing to hear the answer.

"Well, his condition is stable for lost a lot of blood, we have had to give him blood transfusion. Also, his heart rate and blood pressure is still too low from my liking. Not to mention his major dehydration. His all organism is highly devastated and i kind of find it odd. I can't say anything more, since he's still not awake yet." doctor said and then added:"Also, he's being put on suicide watch for 72 hours, since this has been an attempt. That'd be it for now."

Sam just nodded, his voice gone somewhere.

 _Suicide watch._ When doctor said it it made everything real.

Dean tried to kill himself.

And it wasn't a dream.

Wish it was.

.

Sam went to the room where Dean was lying.

He was very pale, had a nasal cannula under his nose, and two IV's in his inner arm. Some kind of tubes and wires going from somewhere to somewhere. Also, his whole left arm, all up to the elbow was tied with a bandage. Heart monitor was beeping silently there too. Truthfully, he looked awful.

But at least he was alive and breathing.

Sam went closer and sat near Dean,while looking at him sadly.

"Why did you do this, Dean, huh? Why couldn't you just tell me, you were feeling low? Or was it Elizabeth? But i… I don't know how to destroy her, Dee, she was cremated." Sam said in a sad voice. "Jeez, Dean, i don't know how to help you, and more importantly, how could you do this? Gosh..." he talked.

Of course, there was no response from Dean. None.

Sam did nothing, but waited and was re-thinking why this this happened and what he should do next, when Dean's awake.

But he also feared of what might happen when he's awake.

.

.

Dean felt heaviness.

He felt like he is underwater, heavy and tired. Something wasn't right.

Then he tried to understand where he was or what happened, not opening his eyes. He felt something soft underneath him, and was hearing a beeping, and a little woosh woosh sound, if it was real and he wasn't hearing things, and...

 _Oh shit._

He remembered. Everything.

Sam, Elizabeth, what he tried to do… and what he failed to do, apparently.

Oh gosh, Sam probably put him in a hospital, that would explain that annoying beeping, that scent, everything. That would explain why he' not fucking dead like he's suppose to be, why he's not..

"Dean?" someone asked, cutting off his thoughts.

Dean tried to open his eyelids, and they appeared to be heavier than he thought. At first, his vision was blurry, but after few more moments it become more clearer. Then he saw Sam sitting beside him, with a tired expression on his moose face.

Anything but this.

"What're you doin h're?" Dean asked in a raspy voice. His voice sounded odd even to him.

Why the hell did Sam saved him? Why? He should be dead right now! He felt disappointment wash over him. He failed again. Again. No wonder Sam hates him.

"Dean, man, c'mon. You know we need to talk about this. Which means, we, not you or me. We."

"You didn't need nor want to talk to me before this. Seemed pretty fine with me being gone." Dean said it like a statement , with a cold, lifeless voice.

He turned his gaze away.

"Dean, please..." Sam pleated.

"Can you just leave me alone?" Dean asked, tired. He just wanted Sam to go away and leave him the fuck alone. Is that's too much to ask?

"No, this can't go unnoticed, Dean!" Sam shouted with a glint of anger in his voice.

"It can and it will." Dean said again.

"They fucking put you on suicide watch, Dean, you're not going anywhere for another 60 hours! So yes, we are going to talk about this. Otherwise, I'll tell them you were suicidal all the time and they're going to put you in a hospital for a long time. Guess who will they believe more, you or me." Sam threatened, smiling slightly. But all his smile was gone when he saw how Dean gone completely pale.

If he thought things couldn't get more bad than it already was, he was wrong. _It did_.

"You hate me this much?" he whispered with disbelief and betrayal in his voice. Then shook his head and turned away from Sam again. "Doesn't matter. I guess i get what I deserve. Leave me alone."

Sam cursed himself when he figured what he'd done. Why can't he for once, just for fucking once keep his mouth shut, before making things worse.

"Dean, man, i didn't mean..." he started.

"go away"

"But..."

"go. away."

And Dean closed his eyes, shutting the world out.

Sam just exhaled and turned around to go away when he saw something that stabbed him straight in the heart; thing, that was rarely seen, and if it was, it only meant that things were really, really bad.

Tears in Dean's eyes.

* * *

Thank you for reading

Please **, REVIEW** 3


	6. So broken, so lost

...

This shit wasn't fair. Sam fucking saved him and now was terrorizing him. Then why didn't he just let him die? Sam already said that he's just a waste of oxygen. So, what's the point? Also, all these psychologist were coming to visit him now, to talk to him, to see, how he's doing, and all Dean did was lie. No, he wasn't having suicidal thoughts. Yes, of course he was fine, why wouldn't he be? Yes, he was sleeping well. No, he wasn't starving. I've told you, it was an accident. No, I'm not lying. No, I don't wanna die. Yes, I'm okay.

It looked like they didn't' believe him. Problem was, Dean didn't know what Sam had told them. He warned him that he won't lie, so maybe he didn't? Who knows… Maybe Sam really told them that he was suicidal and now they will lock him up here, for good.

'And maybe they should' voice said.

Doors opened.

And there he is.

Again.

"Hey" Sam said.

Dean kept quiet.

He wasn't in the mood to talk to Sam, or to see him. He just wanted to be left alone. Is this too much to ask?

Apparently it was.

Sam sat in the chair.

"So, are we going to talk or just sit there and keep quiet?" Sam asked. Dean, once again, kept quiet and tuned around.

"So, the silent treatment it is" Sam said. "Maybe you're not gonna talk with me about you, _yet_ , but we still have a case to solve, so... My biggest clue is... you" Sam turned to him. "Dean look at me. Dean."

Dean didn't want to look, but Sam put his hand on his, pleading him to turn around, so he looked, but didn't say anything. His eyes were shining with emotions Sam didn't quite get. It was strange to see Dean like this, with his walls down, so vulnerable.

"You said you saw her, Dean. Well, you didn't say, but you said 'that she was right', so, i think, you are seeing Elizabeth, am i right?"

Dean neither nodded nor shook his head, just stared at him.

"I take that as yes. So, that still means, you're on her meniu. But there's the problem." Sam leaned closer. "Since she's cremated, i don't know what is holding her here. Everything she ever had, burned, as far as i know. I checked that twice. Nothing is left. Nothing i can find, at least. But there's gotta be something bonding her here to people. And since she died not so long ago… there's gotta be something."

Dean looked at Sam, guilty somehow.

Because he knew.

Elizabeth told him that. She told him _everything_.

And Sam noticed that.

"You know, don't you? Tell me, Dean. I gotta know. Otherwise, she will be unstoppable. I can't let you die."

Dean smiled, sadly.

"What is it?" Sam asked again, getting more concerned when Dean looked at him, with that smile, which didn't say anything good. Dean knew and he wasn't telling him.

"Dean..?"

"There's nothing holding her here... just me." Dean said quietly. "She is bonded to the person she chooses, who is just like she was, and now it is me. As long as I'm here, she will be here too."

Sam shook his head.

"No, that's not possible. She would have died along with other people who died. Also, it doesn't even sound logical that she binds herself to people like this..."

"No, she wouldn't have. While one was dying she attacked another one, keeping herself here. Or was already attached to someone else. And the only thing that can free her, is death. Mine. Then she'll be gone."

Sam shivered from how calm Dean looked. He was fucking smiling. Smiling! All Sam wanted to do is punch that smile and attitude from Dean, because it not only drove him crazy, but it scared him shitless.

"What the hell are you talking about, Dean? That's not possible, where did you get this from? Not going to happen, there must be another way..."

"But there's not." Dean ended. "Why don't you like this option? I die, she dies, everyone stays happy." he said.

Sam got angry.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Dean? Where's all that from? How can your death make anyone happy?"

"Because it will."

"How?"

"You already told me I'm just a waste of oxygen, no use of keeping me around. So what else you don't get it? I'm gonna fix the problem! Two rabbits in one shot! It's a victory!"

"It's a losing. Jesus, Dean, where the hell is your mind? Why do you think so little about yourself? Yeah, we have issues, who doesn't? But it sure as hell doesn't mean that the only way of solving a problem is dying! Gosh... when all of this got so bad into your head, huh?" Sam asked with concern in his eyes. Why Dean couldn't understand it?

Dean just turned around and didn't say anything. He closed his eyes.

Sam stared at him.

"There has to be something else. There always is."

"Even if there is, don't bother." Dean murmured in a low and quiet voice. "There's no point."

"Why?"

"Because she was right all along. And she's gonna win."

"Why are you saying this?" Sam shook his head in disbelief.

Dean didn't say anything.

Then, still not looking at Sam said:

"She says that you're faking it all."

"What"

"You didn't care before, so why you care now? Because i tried to off myself? Or you just feel guilty somehow? Or you don't wanna feel guilty, that's why you come here and try to talk to me, but you know it's not a honest talk, pff, like someone would care, and maybe you just blame me why i didn't succeed, so you can be free now and we all would be happy, so..."

"Dean, would you shut up for a second and listen of what you're saying? You're talking completely bullshit! None of it is true! Gosh, are you so lost in your head? It can't be only Elizabeth, huh? These those must have been here before, otherwise you wouldn't be on her meniu list... Gosh, Dean..."

Dean just stared at him. From a guilty look in his eye Sam could tell that thoughts like these were in his head for quite some time now.

"And you didn't say anything"

"Like it would have helped"

"Dean, I am..."

"Stop, Sam, okay? Don't start now, it's too late. Just... shut up if you won't leave" Dean said when closed his eyes.

Sam didn't go anywhere, but stayed with his brother.

 _So broken, so lost._

...

* * *

So, the new chapter, huh? Thanks you for review, didn't expect to get any tbh :p

So, thank you and **REVIEW** :3


	7. All they need is a little proof

Sam didn't know what to do.

Or maybe he did, he just couldn't force himself to leave Dean alone at the moment. He needed to know more about Elizabeth, he needed to know her motive to all of this, he needed to know how and why she convinced Dean, that he's "the last one of hers victims". And he needed that information now.

Dean, probably, won't tell him anything right now, so, he needed to do some research on his own.

Again.

.

.

Sam exhaled angrily.

One more hour in this damned library and he will burn everything down with pleasure and a happy grin on his face. All this town was driving him crazy.

He has already found everything that was possible about Elizabeth, but he still had no clue how to destroy her or send her away.

Nothing really important was there.

Ughh.

Sam read the piece of local newspaper once again.

" _November 26th, 2006_

 **LOCAL SUICIDE**

 _Twenty eight years old woman was found in a motel room number 4 with slit wrists early this morning. She was alone. There was no evidence of a crime, only a suicide note was found with her, explaining why she did it._  
 _"We're all still shocked of what happened." said Elizabeth's friend. "We all knew Elizabeth as a kind, responsible and good hearted woman. Yes, she had a bad time after her parents died in a car crash, but she was alright after some time. None of us ever thought that she could do something like this."_

 _As far as police says, the reason of commit a suicide, a final push, was an argument between her and her younger sister Sandy. She confirmed that Elizabeth have had mental issues, but she says no more._

 _After the incident and the funeral Sandy left the town."_

Sam stared blankly at the piece of paper and then frowned.

 _"a suicide note was found"_

Sam stood up from the chair so quickly that he almost throw off everything from the small wooden table in front of him. He cursed under his breath, receiving only a disapproving look from librarian.

"Sorry" he apologized quickly.

Still, he never read that thing, a suicide note, it was nowhere to be found. It should explain more things than anything possibly could at the moment and maybe there will be the answer he needed the most.

Sam ran out of the library with a hope in his heart.

.

.

Sam found a note in a police evidences box of Elizabeth's case.

He looked at the note. It was written with a shaking hand. Obviously, Elizabeth was in a hurry while writing this… There also was some blood on the back of the letter.

Sam didn't waste any more time and quickly read it.

 _"Dear Sandy,_

 _I am sorry it had come to this and i'm sorry you're the one who found me like this, but… but i needed to do this. I'm sorry._

 _I have felt so bad for so long, sis, no one and nothing was able to make me better, to make me see the light… I guess I was just too far gone, huh?_

 _Please, sister, don't be mad at me, don't hate me. I know, I was screwing this around all the time, but I'm setting this one right. You will be much better off without me, you know. I can see that you're not happy with me, i can see that anger in your eyes all the time, i know you're tired of me. I'm tired of me too._

 _I'm tired of not being good enough, tired of always letting you down, tired of screwing this up and not being there when you need me the most._

 _I just can't take the pain anymore, i guess…_

 _So, I'm setting you free. I won't be around to mess everything for you once again. I just wish for you to not to hate me, okay, sis? Please, let it go. It's not your fault, it's mine. I know, I've done a lot wrong, but i hope you will forgive me one day._  
 _Please, don't blame yourself._

 _I will love you forever, sis._

 _Goodbye, Sandy._

 _Love,_

 _Elizabeth."_

Sam couldn't help but see parallels between Elizabeth and Dean. They both thought they were not good enough for their siblings. Both of them. And they both just blamed themselves for everything. And both tried to take easy way out, only he helped Dean in time. Both were the older siblings too.

Sam shook his head and put a note in his pocket.

He needed to overthink everything once again.

.

.

He learned some things today, but nothing particularly that would help Dean.

The thing was, that he needed for Dean to tell him everything he knows. But Dean, that stubborn bastard, kept the important information to himself.

And he still was clinging on a thought that he will leave Sam soon, and he was fucking _happy_ with it.

Sam felt anger and despair rising in his throat.

How can Dean be so blind?

How can he not believe the thing that Sam needs him, that he doesn't wish him death? How Dean cannot see how precious he is to this world, to Sam?

But…. but maybe… maybe pain he felt blindfolded him, just as it blindfolded Elizabeth; she couldn't take it anymore and took her life.

Everything seemed to be a big parallel between Dean and Elizabeth. The only thing that was different was that Sam made it in time and Dean didn't die.

Sam stood dead in his tracks.

Maybe this… that was _it_?

He was there for Dean the moment he needed him the most, he didn't run away, he came back and saved the daylight, and Sandy did not. She left her sister and came back only when it was way too late.

Maybe this difference is the answer of it all? He just needs to convince Dean, and Elizabeth maybe, both, that Dean isn't like her, not at all. He must show them that Dean has something that Elizabeth never did - a brother, which never leaves his side, no matter the situation or the consequences. _Nothing_ was able to separate them for good; neither death nor some woman - they always managed to found a way back to each other. Some times were harder than others, but they always did.

So, maybe the answer, and also the best shot he got at this moment, was _this_.

A proof. A proof of the thing that matters the most.

 _Love._

* * *

Hm.. I'm sorry, it was all that exciting and everything, but it's **3am**...  
Just don't throw me through a window or something, okay?  
 **Reviews** , maybe? They will really make me happy... okay, nevermind, just close that damn window, i aint ready to fly...


	8. IMPORTANT

Hey guys, back from the land of the dead.

So, seeing how my writing skills and style were... well, shitty, obviously, I'm going to rewrite the story (I thought about deleting it, but... nah). Plot, direction of the story will stay the same, I'm just going to fix the eye stabbing errors and add some more life to the story.

I know all of you would like to see me hanging on a tree right now, for leaving this story unfinished, but if it'll make you feel better, the story was haunting me, reminding itself every chance she got, leaving me guilty.

I have the next chapter written somewhere, so, after I'm done editing my shame, I'll post it.

Tell me what you think about this

Thank you xx


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